The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'., so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pass the salt, honey'. But I accidentally said, "You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"



Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we send our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"



"No, sweetheart," she responds.



Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"



"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.



"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.



"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send those ones, either."



Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"



Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"



The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."



"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."



Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.



Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."



A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"



"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"



"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.



"Well, you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

A guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"



"Nothing," sighed the guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.



Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?